To Seek or Be Sought
Ephesians 3:14-21
Professor Jae's wife walked with me to the library after the science seminar today (thanks, Eric!). We kept the conversation light, chatting about band and family and our thoughts on the recent (cold) weather. When we parted, a thought rose to the forefront of my mind that has been plaguing me for some time. In my life there seem to be two categories by which I classify almost everything: being sought out or seeking. What does that mean, you say, and to be honest, I do not have a clear answer. I know that each excites a different, almost unconscious reaction within me that tends to predetermine my perception of the relationship or situation.
As for being sought out, I relish the feelings of intimacy and significance that this implies. Talking to Ms. Jae today lifted my spirits immensely, as do the memories of my time in Korea and Japan. While my well-being is not solely reliant upon others' perception of my value and intelligence, all humanity seeks to be prized and respected. I thank God for the security he has given me in this area, I thank him for choosing to love me more than I love myself.
The Catch-22 that I seem to be flirting with is the desire to be seeking. As I mature in my education and draw closer to that point of *committed* employment, I sense that the direction I am traveling is taking me away from the crowd by which I am sought out. I may be alone in this distress, but I cannot ignore it: my heart longs to be united with the group of people that knows me well. You see, the desire to seek my own destiny requires that I fore-go most, if not all, conveniences of stationary life.
Now I can almost hear the argument of moderation forming in your mind, but I will save you the time and confess that I have thought this myself. The answer is not to shy away from the extreme, but to chase after it, for God has chosen this path for me. What I question now is time, that ancient director appointed by man to haphazardly arrange our lives into a collage of introductions and good-byes. How will these things come to pass, and how much will it hurt?
So I leave you with a song...
Hear the chimes, did you know that the wind when it blows
It is older than Rome and all of this sorrow
See the new Pyramids down in old Manhattan
From the roof of a friend's I watched an empire ending
Heard it loud and long, the river's Om
Time marching on to a mad man's drum
Don't forget what you've learned
All you give is returned
And if life seems absurd
What you need is some laughter
And a season to sleep
And a place to get clean
Maybe Los Angeles
Somewhere no one's expecting
On a detox walk through a Glendale Park over sidewalk chalk
Someone wrote in red, "Start over"
So I muffle my scream on an Oxnard beach
Full of fever dreams that scare you sober
Into saltless dinners
Take the fruit from the tree, break the skin with your teeth
Is it bitter or sweet? All depends on your timing
Like a meeting of chance
With the train station glance
Many lifetimes have passed in a instant reminded
Of a millstone house in a seaside town
When your heart gave out in a mission bed
So your wife gave birth to a funeral dirge
As you woke up purged as a wailing infant
In Krug Thep, Thailand
Hear the chimes, did you know that the wind when it blows
It is older than Rome and our joy and our sorrow
"Cleanse Song", by Bright Eyes, album Cassadaga
Professor Jae's wife walked with me to the library after the science seminar today (thanks, Eric!). We kept the conversation light, chatting about band and family and our thoughts on the recent (cold) weather. When we parted, a thought rose to the forefront of my mind that has been plaguing me for some time. In my life there seem to be two categories by which I classify almost everything: being sought out or seeking. What does that mean, you say, and to be honest, I do not have a clear answer. I know that each excites a different, almost unconscious reaction within me that tends to predetermine my perception of the relationship or situation.
As for being sought out, I relish the feelings of intimacy and significance that this implies. Talking to Ms. Jae today lifted my spirits immensely, as do the memories of my time in Korea and Japan. While my well-being is not solely reliant upon others' perception of my value and intelligence, all humanity seeks to be prized and respected. I thank God for the security he has given me in this area, I thank him for choosing to love me more than I love myself.
The Catch-22 that I seem to be flirting with is the desire to be seeking. As I mature in my education and draw closer to that point of *committed* employment, I sense that the direction I am traveling is taking me away from the crowd by which I am sought out. I may be alone in this distress, but I cannot ignore it: my heart longs to be united with the group of people that knows me well. You see, the desire to seek my own destiny requires that I fore-go most, if not all, conveniences of stationary life.
Now I can almost hear the argument of moderation forming in your mind, but I will save you the time and confess that I have thought this myself. The answer is not to shy away from the extreme, but to chase after it, for God has chosen this path for me. What I question now is time, that ancient director appointed by man to haphazardly arrange our lives into a collage of introductions and good-byes. How will these things come to pass, and how much will it hurt?
So I leave you with a song...
Hear the chimes, did you know that the wind when it blows
It is older than Rome and all of this sorrow
See the new Pyramids down in old Manhattan
From the roof of a friend's I watched an empire ending
Heard it loud and long, the river's Om
Time marching on to a mad man's drum
Don't forget what you've learned
All you give is returned
And if life seems absurd
What you need is some laughter
And a season to sleep
And a place to get clean
Maybe Los Angeles
Somewhere no one's expecting
On a detox walk through a Glendale Park over sidewalk chalk
Someone wrote in red, "Start over"
So I muffle my scream on an Oxnard beach
Full of fever dreams that scare you sober
Into saltless dinners
Take the fruit from the tree, break the skin with your teeth
Is it bitter or sweet? All depends on your timing
Like a meeting of chance
With the train station glance
Many lifetimes have passed in a instant reminded
Of a millstone house in a seaside town
When your heart gave out in a mission bed
So your wife gave birth to a funeral dirge
As you woke up purged as a wailing infant
In Krug Thep, Thailand
Hear the chimes, did you know that the wind when it blows
It is older than Rome and our joy and our sorrow
"Cleanse Song", by Bright Eyes, album Cassadaga
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